Sep. 1st, 2017

spikethemuffin: (Default)
Things it's actually weirdly hard to do when all you eat is high-quality protein, fruit, veggies, peanut butter, and supplements (oh, and dollar-store instant coffee. How could I forget dollar-store instant coffee? It turns purple when it reacts with starches!):

1. Force yourself to eat;

2. Force yourself to eat in quantities sufficient to avoid brain shutdown (I know, it sounds like an excuse, but when I eat <1000 kcal/ day, my ADHD goes off the charts and my healthy willpower goes... somewhere not here. It won't tell me where. It becomes really hard to do food-for-me things like cleaning, reading, and exercising; my stammer gets very bad; and I stop losing weight. So maybe tend to your own knitting? 1000 a day is not actually all that gluttonous and going below that is a net loss in other areas of my life. Looking like a runway model is not only not a priority for me, it is not a possibility, and I resent the part of my brain that screams it should be. ZOMBIE BLOKE IS NO LONGER A THING, BOTCHBRAIN AND HIS APPROVAL WAS ALWAYS A THING TO BE SHUNNED, NOT SOUGHT EVEN WHEN HE WAS A THING. Also, part of losing my mother's approval WAS being fat, but all the skinny in the world will not bring that back.);

3. Not cut the next bitch who sneers, "You shouldn't eat fruit, fruit is just sugar, you might as well be chugging Mountain Dew with Cool Whip on top,"

4. Not run screaming into the day to buy doughnuts to waffle-iron and make hot-fudge-covered sandwiches with Bunny Tracks ice cream. Or Grape-Nuts. Have you ever eaten Grape-Nuts with water, heated up? I am at the "moan obscenely when I think too hard about cereal that used to be tedious" phase;

5. Remember to suck, not chew, my zinc lozenges.

Four weeks left to go-time.

I don't... I don't even know why I want to be a more costume-appropriate shape. I'm sure it will come to me. It had better not be a stupid reason...
spikethemuffin: (Default)
Fuck you for being boycott-worthy right as I need a box of Number 9GR.
spikethemuffin: (Default)
...I don't know.

Between unexpected bills, unexpected visitors, unexpected "company that makes a major element in your costume is being a dick to trans people, and maybe you as a ciswoman dressing up as a man in drag is you being a dick to trans people, too" maybe the universe is telling me not to go to Archon. I know my job is going "oops, sorry, can't have that time off because we are terrible at planning." I know last year, the con crud cost me three weeks' pay and almost cost me my job. I know that Ed-in-my-head (and now the-SMOF-I-used-to-know-in-my-head) is screaming at me for being so uppity as to consider myself worthy of going to science fiction conventions because I am a giant fraud of a fake nerd girl. I DON'T know that I will make a positive difference in anyone's experience by being there. I know that several of Zombie Bloke and Check Ex's friends will be there (although I am fairly certain no-one will recognize me and I cannot imagine that they would feel bothered to start some shit if they did--- the only person whom I'd actually recognize would be possibly the guy who accused me of penis envy around the turn of the wrong century to be accusing people of envying penes).

However, I also know I don't make good decisions when I have not eaten enough and when I am feeling financially strained, so I am not going to cancel my room reservation and sell my membership just yet... but sigh. Maybe that's what I should do.

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