May. 16th, 2017

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I was reading time travel romance and I thought how I'd react, if someone came from twenty years in my future, and told me I'd be celebrating an anniversary with the crush that seemed impossible... and I knew in my heart that twenty years would go by, and there would be no-one. Which is fine.

I suppose.

Still, good to know that, whatever my predictive abilities are, according to my subconscious, I shall be, as Christ asked, and as I was not within that marriage, faithful to the man I married when I was eighteen. And good to know Zombie Bloke and I never hook up again. (I mean, yeah, obviously, "Bloke" being an operative word here, as well as "we were never not total scumbags to each other and the man just could not appreciate Pink Floyd or any other prog rock") And good to know that I don't fall into the second-date U-Haul trap or sigh, "fine, whatever, I'll sleep with your wife even though you two have clearly indicated you think my boundaries are only there for other people."

Huh. Just realized I only cheated with John for about a year--- got married, fell off the horse into multiple pigsties, got back on again, got pregnant, stayed faithful in body if not in spirit until the marriage was absolutely and irrevocably over. Not that it makes me any less of an cheating asswipe. And yeah, according to the laws in y'all's Bible, the divorce wasn't really and I am obliged to stay faithful. (I believe the adultery exception Jesus mentioned was a verbal evasion of the fact that "put aside for adultery" was in that culture and at that time "euthanized with the marriage contract and roughly two tonnes of shale.")

It's so fucking awful of me, but I think I finally get why people drink to lower their inhibitions until they get laid. I mean, it always seemed so pointless before. If you want to fuck someone, don't lie to yourself about it and do stuff that makes it much less enjoyable, and if you don't want to fuck someone, then wait until you find someone worth the trouble vs. a vibrator, right? Sex is sacred. People are sacred. Why go out of your way to fuck things up? But... all the stuff I'd have to go through, to become, the baggage to lose, the depth to gain to be a good, worthy partner, even one for just a night... twenty years is super-generous. Some days, I do long for the touch, the squeeze, the flutter of the fine hairs on the back of my neck from another's breath. Someday I might drink to lower, not my standards for a partner, but my standards for myself.

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