May. 5th, 2017

Polycats

May. 5th, 2017 04:24 pm
spikethemuffin: (Default)
The situation with my cats reminds me of dating in Chicagoland.

My cat and I were thrown together at random; I found her injured one day while walking down the street. I don't think she is particularly fond of me, beyond treat and mousie-game time. She actually has a pretty good life, as small mammal lives go. I do, however, kind of think that somewhere, there's an owner she'd be really, really happy with; someone she could be cuddly with, someone who made her purr without the aid of a brush.

Meanwhile, in my head, the two strays I feed listen to her sad tales of miserable woe with wide eyes. "Sometimes, she only has THREE VARIETIES of treats instead of seven. She only cooks for me once a week, can you imagine? And it's almost never fish, and sometimes she tried to just put it out in front of me, without the proper ritual of shred-and-dangle. And, ugh, she just DOES NOT GET how I want her to throw mousies for maximum enjoyment (although she's learning some good tricks with ping-pong balls, I'll give her that). SOMETIMES SHE WASHES MY BUTT. She's constantly screwing up the weather, sometimes she makes it rain for days, or lets it be cold for months. She won't let me go out when there are tornado warnings, and she doesn't appreciate the half-mice I hide around her. My human is the WORST." And the strays are like, "Dude, you are so lucky. How much would I love to have a warm place whenever I wanted it? And your human is unreally good at petting and gets you the good catfood that makes the whole house smell like a mermaid's asshole potpourri."

And it's like dating, because no matter how nice I try to be to her, she is just with the wrong person, and will never be truly happy, in full feline/primate partnership as Bast intended, with me. And yeah, don't get me wrong, I adore her to bits and feel truly privileged to have her in my life. I would have died a dozen times over without her to live for and she is perfect beauty. I just remember the cats that I've had that I truly bonded with, and look at those strays begging to sleep on my feet and wish there were an Ashley Madison for cats, where they could meet their soul mates and shed the bitches that don't treat them right... bitches like me.

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spikethemuffin

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