Apr. 17th, 2017

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This weekend's visit has, among other things, certainly brought home that I have not to any great purpose used the many, many blessings and advantages with which my creatrix/creator has seen fit to endow me. Yet I have also, in many ways, been able to slip the shackles upon me which S/He has also seen fit to place.

You may think I am being unnecessarily filled with the theist's woo, or, if you too believe in some guiding hand, completely egocentric to think that I have had enough attention from that thing. Surely, though, it is not a terrible thing to say that I have many privileges and head starts in life, that I have some things which I might do better and with more enjoyment than others might (due largely to the noble hearts, diligent care, and abundant resources of my family and culture, as well as their darker sides, and through no particular virtue of my own, to be sure), and that I am currently occupying a role to which I am ill-suited and badly-tempered.

While it is true that a person of real virtue makes enriches every soil to not only thrive but to create a place for others to thrive, I am not that person. I feel as if I am, with my learning disabilities, my small intellectual gifts, and weird passions, a draft horse in a stable of racing thoroughbreds, or perhaps, if I may flatter myself, a Bugatti on an unpaved road.

It is surely selfish and muddle-headed of me to think I might do something good at this age. I am forty-five. If I had something of worth to add to this world, in this culture where one must find a cheap new test for cancer in order or write a best-selling novel by the age of fifteen to enter a college considered halfway decent, I would have done it and been retired by now. It is arrogant to assume that I have the potential to become worthy of the resources spent upon me. On the other hand, it is perniciously and damnably lazy of me not to continue to try...


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